Creation is a compulsion. I can’t use the existing world to do whatever it is I want to do. I need the working environment to be perfect. Only by creation I can change the environment. If I were to play a game, it would be painful. A voice screams “NO! You’re wasting your time. You’re attempting to enter an unfit playing environment. This game isn’t good enough. You must make it better before you can play it. Make it. Get to work.” I want to satisfy that voice, so I can be at peace. But when I try to actually create something, it feels too important. The environment must be perfect. I must create a perfect environment for creation. Endless loop. Head explodes.
The perfect creation environment. I’m in my personal chamber. I’m mounted to a device that is perfectly adjusted to my body. It’s perfectly synchronized to my every thought. It’s functioning as a complementary brain, a slave brain to my own. This device is my environment; it’s an endoskull and an exoskeleton. Without it I’m an unstable, weak, inefficient mess. Maybe I could create this device, if only I had a satisfactory environment to do so. But I know this isn’t going to happen anytime soon. So I have to learn to settle for less than perfect. I have to develop muscle, to function without a slave brain. I have to accept and make myself ready and able to do those functions myself, the same functions that would ideally be performed by the slave. So now that that’s established, where do I start?
